About six minutes into an episode about resetting, I derailed it.
Jana had just told a hard story about getting a flat no on something she'd pitched, and I wanted to help make it relatable. So I reached for an example. Relationships, I said. You offer yourself to somebody. Then the communication goes askew. Like if I say, let's go waterskiing, and it's a time you don't want to go waterskiing.
Jana gave me a look.
"I thought we were talking about resetting," she said.
I kept going. I explained that my intention had been for us to have fun together, and she heard it as the wrong time to ski, and so I felt rejected in my idea. It made perfect sense in my head. Then I listened to it come out of my mouth.
"I think I might have taken us a little off track," I said.
"Okay," Jana said. "So how do we get back on track right now?"
"Did I just totally derail the whole thing?"
That's when I said it, on the recording, almost by accident. Can I have a reset?
Jana called a timeout and laughed. "We're human," she said. "Jason just chased a squirrel. Which happens a lot."
It does. And the reason I'm leading with it is that the thing we were trying to teach happened right there, live, in about thirty seconds. Something went sideways. Somebody noticed. Somebody asked for a reset. We were back.
The morning after Tater
There's a less funny version, too.
Tater, our almost-eighteen-year-old dog, had an upset stomach a few weeks ago and needed to go outside about every hour, all night. Once we're in bed, the night trips are mine. It's easier and safer for me to get up. But Jana still wakes up every time. She's usually the first one to hear Tater standing and panting by the bedroom door.
So neither of us slept. And the next morning we were short with each other from the first word. Before coffee. During coffee. Nothing big. Just two tired people being slightly sharp about things that didn't matter.
Before we finished the coffee, I said, "I'm sorry. I know we're on the same team, and I'm tired. Can we have a reset?"
Jana said she was sorry too, and she'd love to reset.
And that was it. Nobody had to win. Nobody had to figure out who started it. The morning went on, and it was a good one.
Why the question works
Most arguments between people who love each other aren't really about anything. They're two people with good intentions who got crossed somewhere, and now they're each defending how they said it instead of what they meant.
"Can I have a reset?" skips all of that. It doesn't assign blame. It doesn't require you to explain why you were short or prove your side first. It just says this isn't going where either of us wanted it to go, and I'd like to start over from what we actually meant.
"I'm sorry. I know we're on the same team."
"I'm tired." (or hurt, or distracted, or whatever is true)
"Can I have a reset?"
It works because it's a question. You're asking permission, not announcing a ruling. And almost nobody says no to it.
The no that didn't stay a no
Now the harder story, the one Jana was telling before I chased my squirrel.
We work with a company often. We're there regularly for their learning and empowerment sessions, and we know their executive team. They were planning a ninety-minute breakout session on team building, learning, and personal empowerment. Jana usually doesn't offer to take a whole session like that. This time she felt the energy of that executive team, knew exactly what she could deliver, and stepped forward. She pitched us to run the whole thing.
They said no. Flat. That's not what we're looking for right now.
They had their own vision already worked out, and it wasn't the one Jana brought. That's all it was. But it didn't feel like that.
Jana said on the episode that a few years ago, a no like that would have set her back years. Not days. Years. She'd have decided she wasn't going to put herself out there again, because it hurt too much. This time she still ruminated. For about twenty-four hours, she was carrying resentment, a sense of not being good enough, of not having anything to offer.
Then she had to walk back into that company and support them in running their own version. And she had to do it as the full Jana. Not the hurt one, not the resentful one. The one who knows what she has to offer.
She did. And the part I like best is that it may still happen. The seed's out there. And every time we show up at one of their sessions and fully support it, we're tending it a little.
Stacking down, stacking up
What Jana caught in those twenty-four hours is something everybody does after a no.
You take one closed door and you start building a case. One rejected pitch reminds you of the last one. Which reminds you of the time before that. Before long you've got a whole warehouse of evidence that you're not enough, and every box in it got pulled down off a shelf because one person said no to one idea on one day.
That's stacking down. And once it starts, you start asking the questions that go with it. Why does this always happen to me? Why am I not good enough? There's a voice that was in your head before you learned any of these tools, and it gets louder.
On the episode I called it a DJ shift. Somebody changes the station in your head, and suddenly you're listening to a whole different song. Which, if you think about the letters, is also exactly what it plays. Dumb junk.
But it works the same way going up. You have a warehouse full of the other kind of evidence too. Every time you showed up and it went well. Every skill you built. Every client, friend, or partner who was glad you were there. One no is one box. It doesn't get to be the whole building.
Living Lucky® Practice
Stack Up
For the day after a no. Bring the one box you've been carrying. You'll leave with a few more boxes that belong in the warehouse.
01 What happened?
Just the facts. What was asked, what was said.
02 What have I decided it means?
On the left, the story you've been telling yourself. On the right, what you actually know.
The story
What I actually know
03 Three boxes of evidence that say otherwise.
Times you showed up well. Things you've built. People who were glad you were there.
04 What was I actually trying to do?
Your original intention. This is what a reset brings you back to.
05 How will I show up next time?
As the full version of you. One sentence.
Feel it, then drop it
There's a version of this that turns into toxic positivity, and that's not what we mean.
Jana felt that no. She ruminated for a day. That's honest, and it counts. A reset doesn't mean pretending something didn't sting. It means feeling it, figuring out what you were actually trying to do, and then putting the bag down instead of carrying it into the next room.
Mike Tyson put it best. "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." You're going to get hit. The question is how long you stay down.
The faster you can notice you're holding onto something heavy and set it down, the faster the next thing goes better. When you change how you show up, people show up differently. Stay stuck in the low place and you just build more evidence for it.
We use our 4-Minute Formulas for this. After the hit, the evening questions, the 4-Minute Reflection Formula. What did I do well? (Jana: I was brave enough to pitch it.) What MIGHT I have done differently? How will I be more effective or efficient next time? How lucky am I? Then, before you walk back in, the first morning question from the 4-Minute Luck Activation Formula. What do I want to experience? That's your intention, and it's the thing a reset brings you back to.
Idea farts
One last place this shows up for us, and it's the one we get the most practice at.
Jana and I take long road trips several times a year. Twelve to sixteen hours a day, sitting next to each other. We listen to books on Audible. We talk business. Jana does her art to let some of her creative energy out. And I'm driving, listening, coming up with ideas, and planning the next five years, all at the same time.
Which means things get off track. We've got a name for the ideas that pop out on those drives. Idea farts. They pop out, and they sound good, and some of them even smell good. But they need time and some inspection before anybody decides they're worth pursuing.
What's changed is that we notice now. On the road it usually sounds like, "Let's pause for a minute, because we've gotten off topic." Same thing as "Can I have a reset?" Just with more miles on it.
Somewhere around here, at least one idea fart.
A highway approaching a cable-stayed bridge into St. Louis, with an overhead sign splitting traffic between downtown and I-70 West to Kansas City.
The Living Lucky® Practice
Exercise: Think of the last no that stuck with you. Write down the box you've been carrying, then write three boxes of evidence that say the opposite.
Reflection question: What did I do well, right before the door closed?
Journal prompt: Where am I still carrying something that would feel lighter if I just asked for a reset?
Action: This week, the first time a conversation goes sideways, say it out loud: "Can I have a reset?"
Questions people ask about this
How do I stop ruminating after a rejection?
Give yourself a set amount of time to feel it, then ask what you were actually trying to do in the first place. Write down the facts of what happened, separate from what you've decided it means. One no is information about one situation. It isn't a verdict on you.
What does "Can I have a reset?" mean in a relationship?
It's a way to stop a conversation that's going sideways without deciding who's at fault. You're asking to start over from what you both meant, instead of defending how you said it. It works best when you say it early and say it kindly.
What is "stacking down"?
It's what happens when one bad moment reminds you of every other bad moment, until you've built a whole case against yourself. The fix is to stack up instead: go find the evidence of the times you showed up well. It's there.
Is a reset the same as toxic positivity?
No. Toxic positivity pretends nothing hurt. A reset admits it hurt, figures out what you were really after, and sets the weight down so it doesn't follow you into the next thing.
How do I handle getting a no from a client I still work with?
Show up fully for the version they chose. Support it as if it were your own idea. A no about one proposal isn't a no about the relationship, and the way you show up afterward is often what changes the next answer.
What if the other person won't reset?
Reset yourself anyway. Your own tone and intention are the part you control. Most people soften quickly when the person across from them does.
If you want help resetting faster, in your work or in your marriage, that's what our coaching is for, at livinglucky.com. Our journals and books are on Amazon under Jana and Jason Shelfer, and at livinglucky.com. And subscribe to our YouTube channel if you'd like to watch me chase the next squirrel live.
Hear the whole conversation on the Living Lucky® Podcast with Jana and Jason Shelfer, Season 11, Episode 54: "Rejection Reset."
We Create Our Luck®.
